Frustrated Violence in The Hills (August 9th 2010)

I am not me. I am Spencer from The Hills, eating the gross cereal my wife, Heidi, seems to be enjoying in the front yard of our Hollywood home. It is way too healthy, dry yet unbelievably chewy; just another reason why our marriage sucks. Disgusted and annoyed I walk inside…

I am now myself, digging through the items on the bottom shelf of the pantry in search of the curious cereal. Once found, I push the box of healthy, chewy food aside, taking interest in a box of Cheerio’s. But I am fooled! The box contains Cheetos instead. Grabbing the lying box of cereal I walk over to Spencer who’s lounging on a pink and gold Victorian couch. I stand over him for a moment, drop the box of Cheetos and proceed to climb on top of him and engage in a fervent make-out session…


Spencer is now on top of me and I pull down my yellow “We’re all going to hell” t-shirt and black bra to expose my left breast. Sitting up on his knees Spencer undoes his belt buckle and zips down his beige khaki shorts to reveal his two foot long dick! I stare in amazement and terror, wondering how the hell Heidi has sex with this thing! Suddenly, a huge commotion is heard through the closed door…


An angry Sharron Osborn is screaming at me through the door and pounding on it as hard as she can in an attempt to break it down. To make matters worse, she is not alone, I hear a second pair of fists attack the door. Frantic, I push Spencer off me and rush to the kitchen, struggling to put my bra back on but failing miserably considering my t-shirt is still on and I’m terrified to take it off and be caught exposed. I’m running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off when a huge crash resonates through the small room…


Instantaneously, Brenda, my old childhood neighbor who is a big-boned and menacing individual, has me by the throat and lifts me up against the entrance wall. I fight back as she chokes me out, kicking, screaming, clawing and biting until, miraculously; I push her into the pool that now exists right beyond the pink and gold Victorian couch…


She rises to the surface, I tower over her with fire and hatred burning in my eyes and in my most commanding and powerful voice, I threaten her life…


“DON’T EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN OR MY BROTHER WILL ANNIALATE YOU. YOU KNOW ABOUT THE INTENSITY AND ANGER HE HOLDS AND HE WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE GONE AND FORGOTTEN IN AN INSTANT.”