The Neuter (Intermission)

***Dear Readers, my good friend recently sent me this dream and it's too good not to share with the rest of the world. Besides, it's nice to know someone else is at my disturbing subconscious level. Happy Reading

The Neuter

It is daylight. My three best friends and I are hanging out next to a piano at the family home of—let’s call him Timmy—the man whom I have been crushing on and creepily admiring from a far for months. We are surrounded by windows that give us the view of a large, but messy garden surrounding the perimeter of the house.

Across the room is my douchebag ex boyfriend—let’s call him Chad—who continues to show up in all aspects of my life including my subconscious. Like the cocky prick he is, he decides to dare my friends and me to cut off his balls. As much as I would love to do this myself, we all cringe and said no. Chad’s whiney, yet once charming voice that tricked me into liking him, keeps echoing through the room until someone would step up and neuter this puppy.

“I’ll do it,” Augustina says nonchalantly. She is known as the matriarch of the group with her motherly nature to take care of everyone. She puts her notorious squirmy attitude towards blood aside and grabs a pair of scissors and walks over to Chad.

SNIP!

Chad’s balls fall to the carpet and blood spurts everywhere. Then he starts crying like a little girl because his consistent indecisiveness continues to thrive outside of deciding whether to like me or not. Once realizing that he can never have children, he wants his balls back.

All of my friends begin to laugh knowing that he does, in fact, deserve this horrific demise to his manhood, but my instinctual need to help out the people who I have once cared about unfortunately kicks in.

I walk Chad outside into the garden, and try to console him.

“Don’t worry, Chad, you shouldn’t allow any part of your DNA to roam the earth. The world will be just fine without the devil’s children at hand,” I say trying to make him feel better. Tears and blood continue to spew from his body, and then his little brother joins us. He is balding and creepy, which confirms my theory to keep his kind at a minimum.

Timmy then comes out from the garden, and asks me to go watch some home movies with him. Naturally, I leave no-balls-Chad to drown in his sorrows, and frolic off with Timmy. Timmy, Daffodil, and I find ourselves watching movies until Daffodil decides we should all go shopping. So we did.